How to De-Escalate a Difficult Conversation: What to Do in the First 60 Seconds

Difficult conversations rarely become difficult all at once. In many cases, the direction of the interaction is established within the first minute.

When emotions are high, people don't just respond to the words being said. They respond to tone, body language, perceived threats, whether they feel heard, and whether they believe the person in front of them is actually trying to understand them.

After more than 25 years in policing and over 200 crisis negotiation activations, I've learned that one of the most important skills in de-escalation is knowing what to do before you try to solve the problem.

Here are five things you can do in the first 60 seconds of a difficult conversation to give yourself the best chance of moving it in a productive direction.

1. Slow Yourself Down First

De-escalation starts with you. Before trying to calm the other person, pay attention to your own speed, tone, body language, and emotional state.

When someone becomes confrontational, our natural reaction can be to respond faster, speak louder, defend ourselves, or immediately correct what we believe is wrong. That often adds pressure to an interaction that already has too much of it.

Slow your speech. Lower your tone. Give the other person room to speak. A calm presence doesn't mean being passive—it means maintaining control of how you show up in the conversation.

2. Don't Rush to Fix the Problem

One of the biggest mistakes in difficult conversations is trying to solve the problem before the other person feels heard.

When someone is emotional, immediately offering solutions, explanations, or corrections can sound like you're dismissing what they're experiencing. Before moving toward solutions, take time to understand what is actually driving the emotion.

Listen first. The solution can come later.

3. Acknowledge Before You Explain

Acknowledgment doesn't mean agreement. You can recognize what someone is feeling or experiencing without agreeing with their behaviour, conclusions, or demands.

Simple statements such as “I can see why you're frustrated,” or “It sounds like this has been building for a while,” can reduce resistance because they show the person that you're actually listening.

People are far more likely to hear your perspective once they believe you've made an effort to understand theirs.

4. Get Curious Instead of Confrontational

Questions can change the direction of a difficult conversation. Instead of challenging someone's position, get curious about what is underneath it.

Try questions such as “Help me understand what happened,” “What's most important to you right now?” or “What would you like to see happen?”

Curiosity gives you information. It can uncover the fear, frustration, need, or concern driving the person's behaviour—and it helps move the conversation away from confrontation and toward collaboration.

5. Pay Attention to Your Delivery

The right words delivered the wrong way can still escalate a conversation. Your tone, pace, volume, facial expression, and body language all influence how your message is received.

Speak calmly and deliberately. Avoid sarcasm, unnecessary commands, and language that makes the other person feel cornered or disrespected.

Remember: communication isn't only about what you intended to say. How your message is perceived matters.

The First 60 Seconds Matter

You may not be able to resolve a difficult conversation in 60 seconds—but you can influence the direction it takes.

Slow yourself down. Listen before solving. Acknowledge before explaining. Stay curious. And pay attention to how you deliver your message.

These aren't tricks for controlling another person. They're practical communication skills that can help create the conditions for a more productive conversation.

Want a quick-reference tool you can keep with you?

My First 60 Seconds: How to De-Escalate Anyone Fast guide takes these principles further and puts them into a simple, practical resource you can use when conversations become difficult.

Get The First 60 Seconds Guide Today!